Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The 3 D's I hate...

Death, Dying, and Darkness.

My life this past month has been full of death, dying, and darkness. My Dad's uncle Rob passed away unexpectedly last week and we had his funeral this weekend. My cousin Michelle lost one of her friend's from injuries sustained from a car accident in May. Her funeral was today. I watched the Michael Jackson memorial last week. I read the blogs of people who are grieving for family members they have lost. I know that no one likes death. It is a part of life that we have to deal with. I just seem to have a very
irrational fear of death. I can't even watch Tv where there is death involved. Brendan was watching some program on discovery and I begged him to change the channel because I just couldn't handle it. I lay awake at night thinking about things I can't change. I will just wind myself up thinking about death till I get to the point of tears. I am ridiculous I know.

I know that I have always been taught about heaven and how we get to heaven. I Just have a hard time accepting life going on with out someone. I think about Brendan or I never knowing when our time might end. I think about not knowing how much time I have with those I love.

See... Ridiculous.

that is death. Dying on the other hand is slow normally. I lost my best friend to cancer when I was 14. It was 6 months of hell for Mandy. She had cancer and I have never been the same since.

Death, Dying, and Darkness all go hand in hand. and I hate it. ( yes I am afraid of the dark) I think it is more that I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of what I cannot see or comprehend. either that or I am just a chicken.

I wish I could have all those back in my life I have lost. I wish I knew when one of my goodbye's would be the last. It is sad. I am not good at handling sadness. uggggg... it's time for bed.

Maybe one day I will come to terms with life and death. At this point in my life, I am always devastated, I always feel cheated and shattered.


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